Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Been a very long time..

Well it's a long time between drinks ... and sadly everything has taken a turn for the worst over the last few months. After my move back to Adelaide the job market here has pretty much dried up and I have found myself now unemployed for 6 months straight . The most frustrating thing is that this unfortunate event looks to continue into the first few months of next year too.

I've thought long and hard about alternatives to finding another chemistry related job and with all things considered I know it just isn't possible at the moment due to circumstances as they stand. Should I go back to uni and study something else? Theoretically I could, the main barrier to that is that to do this I have to forgo any type of life supporting income for the next 3 years. I just don't have the savings to do that now and would put myself under incredible financial (and therefore emotional) strain. So I am going to have to wait out this unemployment rut and hopefully emerge better for it next year. I am currently seeking any type of "part time" or such employment at anywhere I can find. My age, experience and qualifications are proving to be a major hindrance however. After 14 job interviews I keep hearing the same thing over and over "Why did you even apply for this job ?? you're WAY too qualified in Chemistry to be doing this". No one is even willing to take a chance on someone who is obviously desperate to do *anything* so as to be employed. Very Frustrating.

The other sad occurrence is the loss of Rachel as my friend. If you've been following this blog over the time i've been writing it you would know I am very fond of Rachel. Over the last 2 years I had rediscovered the friendship from 17 years ago that we had in high school and we went on to become really good "adult" friends as well. She is/was my best friend for the last few years. Unfortunately, after all the good times and fun we've had together it's gotten to the point where I just couldn't pretend I was happy with what our "relationship" had become. I am currently hopelessly in love with Rachel and unfortunately for me those feelings aren't able to be reciprocated. I am absolutely gutted that my own stupidity has left me with no option but to walk away from the most amazing person I have ever met.

I am currently trying to deal with a bevy of mixed emotions. Sadness, heartbreak, relief and regret are all doing the rounds in my head. The hardest part is always the endless "mulling over" of the details after the fact. The one thing I have learnt however through my adult life is that it's better to "Know why" than to "Assume why" things happen. So thankfully I asked Rachel for her reasons why she doesn't see our relationship ever being more than "Friends" and to her credit she told me. It was really an interesting experience to actually see the other persons side of the story but at the same time devastating to know her reasons. I won't go into details here though, suffice to say that even when you think you know someone very well you can always be surprised. I was most surprised not by the "content" of her reasons but how 2 people can see the same thing totally differently or attribute a deep "cause and effect" analysis to problems whose causes are plain as day.

So now I am trying to cope with life "After Rachel" and I won't lie and say i'm making headway and feeling better. I'm not. I miss her like i'd miss an arm or leg. The biggest shock to me has been just how integrated she'd become into my daily routine (some might say this was entirely the problem) and how hard it is to fill those activities with *Anything* else now. I'm constantly battling the feeling that I have made a horrible, horrible mistake by excluding her from my life, when for so long my life was immeasurably more enjoyable and "full" due solely to her being in it. I'm clinging to the hope that one day, maybe months from now, maybe years from now, we will be able to be friends again. It's just not possible at the moment while I love her the way I do.
Still, I am impressed with my own resolve in that I had the strength to walk away from something that was slowly (but surely) making me miserable. It was harder than losing my Father to cancer, because with death the person is gone and you have no chance to ever have them in your life ever again. That kind of ending I can deal with. Rachel is not dead, she's not going to die any time soon, she's alive and well and living her life and i'm not lucky enough to be involved anymore. THAT type of ending is far worse and much harder to accept.

So Rachel if you're reading this all I want to say is "Thank You", you made my life a joy (most of the time) and I will miss you and your wonderful kids terribly.