Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Testing Times" or "Melbourne, Root of all Evil" or "Get me the F#$k Out Of Here!"


This week has been a "one of those" type of weeks. You know the ones where certain things happen and you have a bit of a stock take of your current situation in life? Where you go "Am I doing what I thought I would be doing with my life?", "I am happy?", "Does the future look good?", "Am I on track with my hopes, dreams and goals?". Mostly you get a mix of "Yes" and "No" answers to the various questions you ask yourself and weight up the results. Well, most people that know me would have a pretty good idea about the one thing in my life that I have been trying to change for the last 4 years. After what has happened in the last few months (mainly professionally, but also privately) has really made me question my sanity in staying in Melbourne. It really is the source of all my troubles. The problem is that my chosen career pretty much has me rooted to the spot here in Melbourne and I can't see an easy way out., in fact at this point in time I can't see ANY way out. It's becoming harder and harder to pretend that I like it here and it's beginning to effect and change me I think.

I have been taking pretty regular trips back to Adelaide for the entire time I have been in Melbourne. This equates roughly to a trip back every 6 weeks or so and more often if the cost of flights plummet and allow it. This is purely because I have never, not even for a day, felt that I belonged in Melbourne. I feel isolated from everything that is important to me and everyone that I care about. I liken it to being sent to prison, you are alone for the majority of the time and look forward to seeing your family constantly. That is what it's like for me. Now i'm not a "Stay at home shut in" either, I do have friends here and I do have a social life and partake in social activities, but it's just not the same. I get told all the time from people I work with that I am "So South Australian" from my "posh" SA accent (???) to the actual way I pronounce words like our, pool, lancer, lego etc. They are right though, I *am* a South Australian and every moment I spend in SA just reminds me of that. So much so, that every time I have to leave SA to return here ..... well lets just say it's a constant struggle. I'm sure many of you have seen me in Airports at various gatherings or trips and know my demeanour when the destination of whatever flight I am catching is "Melbourne". I'm never pleased to leave ever.
The biggest influence is that my *entire* immediate family resides in SA. That's a mother, 2 brothers and a sister and now 2 nieces. Couple that with most of my closest long time friends being there as well and you can probably understand why the "pull" to SA is so strong. Every time something in my family happens in SA and I more often than not I am not there to be part of it. My older brother has 2 daughters now (aged 3 and 1) and I get to see them maybe 4 times a year. The oldest girl, Charlotte has trouble remembering who I am when I visit because , well, why would she? Most of the time I am a voice on the phone only. Yet when my younger brother appears at the house too "Uncle Craig" is instantly recognised and greeted. Heart breaking stuff indeed.
I have pretty much been by my self though, for the majority of the time, since finishing uni in 2000. I even went overseas and lived for a few years and while I'm glad I did that, it also caused me to miss one of our major family events. I was not in Australia when my father died and as such my last memory of him is him standing in the old Adelaide airport saying goodbye to me with tears in his eyes as I left for Germany. I've not forgiven myself yet for leaving Australia at this time even though it was probably the right thing to do.

It's just that I have this overwhelming feeling of "Home" when I am in Adelaide. I think most people can relate to that.We all like to feel "happy" and be surrounded by family and friends and a lot of people take for granted sharing time with those near and dear to them. I have not had that privileged for a very long time and its beginning to really get to me now because the "next" generation of our family has arrived. I don't feel like I am part of anything that happens in this regard and I hear about the majority of news second hand or on picture galleries on Facebook etc. Your family affairs and news shouldn't be something that you go onto the internet to "Catch Up On" like some TV show, but that's the exact situation I find myself in. I don't like that and I don't like the way Melbourne makes it my reality. Melbourne really makes me lonely and I just hope I can steer the good ship "Mikey" closer to home in the coming months/year.
I apologise that this blog is a bit morbid and "unfunny" but this week has just made me think about a lot of "Grown Up" things again and ....'s my Blog and I'll write about whatever I damn well choose!! :P

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